[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
You Might Also Like
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
True freaking story!
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
A duv-egg? In this economy?
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.