My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
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Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.