*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
You Might Also Like
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.