Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
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Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.