No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
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New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet