therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
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I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.