“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
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My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
is this how new cars are made??
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick