me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
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I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*