Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
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How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.