I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
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Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron