Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
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[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.