product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
You Might Also Like
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Baller is short for ballerina
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now