“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
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Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.