You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
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Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!