“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
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[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now: