Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
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Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.