[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
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Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO