Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
You Might Also Like
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
A little too much information.