Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
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Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 馃槒
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 馃槍馃挱
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
My friend asked what I鈥檇 say if my husband told me he鈥檇 never touch me again? I told her, I鈥檇 need it in writing.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
I鈥檒l be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Me: Grandpa hasn鈥檛 been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb