I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
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WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Rt to bother an English speaker
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys