When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
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My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
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