FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
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[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
what kind of cook setting is this??
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest