If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
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When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
I put the hot in psychotic.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
If only.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.