*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
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My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.