Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
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If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
We only teach βstop, drop and rollβ to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither Iβm married
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
βListen to your body.β Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
Why is he not as excited to meet me? π
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! Itβs actually quite tasty.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: Thatβs a whisk Iβm willing to take π
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Nothing says βI love you momβ like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didnβt.
9yo: I did not ask who didnβt.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesnβt grow on trees