I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
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Practicing safe sax
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Mhm.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack