Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
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“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters