is this a warning or an offer?
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My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
I need this for my side hustle.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!