Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
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In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh