-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
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If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Him: You鈥檝e got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don鈥檛 have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don鈥檛. I mean you could, but you don鈥檛 hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
HEY! WE DON鈥橳 THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
this country is so goddamn polarized
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
selfie game
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
*eats only grass-fed donuts
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]