‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
You Might Also Like
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers