me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
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Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
This took me a second..
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
@funTweeters
all that yoga finally paid off
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”