throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
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me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Incredible customer service.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday