Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
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I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.