I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
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My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Wednesday
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe