Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
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No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
put ‘er there pardner!
(by @ZachWeiner )
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”