What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
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Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Dance like you’re not the father
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”