2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
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Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.