My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
You Might Also Like
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?