dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
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How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Lmao