Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
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[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.