“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
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I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Buying a well is money well spent.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka