I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
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Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
“I FIXED IT!”
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff