me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
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The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
*puts words between two asterisks*
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”