Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
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Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.