Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
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never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
just witnessed a drug deal
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.