Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
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Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
knights of the ikea table
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
August 8
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.