HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
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I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
I thought this was funny lol
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better