Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
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I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?