I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
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Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you